19 February 2014 ~ 3 Comments

Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That

Derek at our wedding

Derek at our wedding

I tend to think about Derek carefully. Not so much regarding what I think about, but how I think about him.

I probe about the edges of memories. I picture him fleetingly. I’m wary. I treat my memories as though they are dangerous places. I’m scared. I dart in and out, never sticking around for long enough to feel any pain, well, any significant amount of pain. I keep myself safe. I protect myself. The moment pain or sorrow begins to creep in, I’m out of there. I always keep a safe memory at hand, ready to jump to – my kids, or Jo, or something about work. I don’t want to deal with those feelings. I deny them. I squash them the moment they arise. I don’t have time for grief. Who has time for grief? Who has time for grief while living life? While working, going to school, raising kids, being married?

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I understand this isn’t ideal, but I’m not sure what to do. Like I said, how does one grieve while still trying to live? I haven’t figured that out yet.


Ain't nobody got time for that

Click image for link to YouTube video that inspired the post title.


Husband, Father, Apprentice of Divinity, IT Professional, Bass Player, Hunter, Vegetable Gardener, Twisted Christian.

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  • http://www.iwearspandex.com/home Brian Stephens

    I don’t know that there is a right way to grieve, so who’s to say you are doing it wrong? This is probably just your way of grieving. Your way of preserving memories. I’m really feeling for you.

  • Beverley Bouchard

    you grieve as you live; or live as you grieve. it is real life, a new normal

  • K

    It’s weird, isn’t it, how we think there’s a way we’re supposed to be grieving? Wouldn’t it be more concrete if we could wear a black armband for six months and then just come out of our mourning period? When they told me Dad had died, I remember thinking “I’m supposed to cry now,” and sitting there trying to cry… but I couldn’t. Nothing ever happens like it does on TV.

    In my opinion, there is no law that says that you have to ‘deal with’ this right now. And there is no dealing with it that will turn it into a thing that has finally been dealt with. We can’t just work hard to recover and emerge having conquered our grief. The best metaphor that comes to mind is that it’s like escaping from prison. You will get out eventually — but you don’t have a jackhammer or dynamite or even a key to get yourself out. You have a spoon. And that spoon will get you out if you scrape just a little bit when you get a chance. But if you try to dig the whole tunnel right now, then… well, you just can’t. Awkward and not very poetic, but I think that’s how it might feel.

    I’m no psychologist but I think there’s nothing unhealthy about managing your grief, letting it heal for a while on its own, without picking it open on purpose. Yeah, it can jump up and surprise you now and then. But you’re stuck on this Earthly plane living your life — your new normal, as Beverley aptly said — and your rich and beautiful life also needs you to be in it.

    It sucks and is inconceivable for you to be here without him. And it must hurt terribly to peek at those memories. So I hope you feel no guilt in going about your daily life because you have to. And I hope you don’t feel like you’re expected to keep revisiting those painful memories right now in order to accomplish some kind of recovery. And I hope that all makes sense.

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