A TwistedChristian Dad

Every day, as I walk through the halls of the school (I work at a university), I see more and more students around. School starts in just over 2 weeks, so they are arriving to register, buy books, sit and chat with friends, etc. Their numbers will steadily increase as September approaches.

As the number of people around increases, so too does my anxiety level. I walk past a group of people lounging on some chairs and my stomach begins to churn. I walk past a group of girls standing around laughing and my heart stops. My brain freaks out at the potential of social interaction, or that they are looking at me, or something. I don’t even know why I freak out so much.

I’ve heard this term called “social anxiety disorder,” but am not sure if that is a little more extreme. I still go with the “introvert” label. But either way, what I’m wondering is if it is fixable? I’m tired of being terrified in social situations. I long to be out with people having fun. Now to say that social situations terrify me doesn’t mean that I can never enjoy them; I am totally comfortable surrounded by people I know.

I wrote about my introvertness and how I was scared it would affect my parenting, especially since it was preventing me from going out with my son to play groups and such. When we’d go to the park or wading pool I would secretly hope that other people would be there so I would be forced to interact with them, at least on some level, even if it was just to smile and say hi. I would still go at off-peak times to avoid people, but that little part of me still wished there were people there.

This is the problem, I really want to talk to people. It isn’t as though I don’t have the social skills to just go up to someone and introduce myself and carry on a conversation, I do, but I just can’t do it.

I try to put myself into situations where I’m forced to interact with others but I can’t do it. I stand there like a total fool. Still, I do it to myself hoping I’ll improve. If I tell myself I don’t care, and take on the attitude that none of this situation matters and these people don’t matter I do a whole lot better, but it is REALLY hard to force that kind of attitude because it just isn’t me.

I used to say I would do things with people but then bail at the last minute b/c I was so anxious I would become physically ill. I would seem like this huge flake b/c I would always be saying I would be there, or go somewhere, or do something, but not follow through. I committed to more than I would even if I didn’t have this problem, but I was just trying to force myself to get out there. I thought that disappointing people would be enough of an incentive. It wasn’t, I just disappointed people and felt like a giant ass.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being terrified. I’m tired of making myself physically ill when I commit to something. I’m tired of not being able to talk to people. It makes me want to cry. I’m just tired of it. Can I be fixed? At this point I’m willing to start popping pills if it’ll help.

Seriously. Anyone? Please? I need help.

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