I keep trying to write out my feelings, but the words don’t seem to flow. They come out haltingly, scattered. I can’t form sentences to adequately explain the feelings that are running through my head, hurting my heart.
There seems no end to the pain, not just for me, but for those around me. Friends being diagnosed with cancer, grieving the loss of children, grandparents, pets. Maybe I’m just hyper aware of it all, but I feel like I’ve seen more pain and death in the last 6 months than in my lifetime. At least in the lives of those in my circles.
I’m not quite sure how to reconcile it all. It has shaken me. It has shaken my faith. Faith? What faith? It feels like it doesn’t even matter anymore. I’ll be graduating with a degree in Theology and Biblical Studies next year, but I couldn’t care less about theology. About faith. I used to love reading papers about all of the various elements of theology. It intrigued me. Thoughts about salvation, communion, eschatology, equality, etc. But not I just don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me. Just the other day I was reading a paper entitled, A New Living Liturgy of Liberation – An Anabaptist Perspective on the Lord’s Supper, a paper I would have gobbled up in the past, but now felt like it took forever to slog through and in the end just didn’t care.
It’s frustrating. I miss the passion. I miss caring. I miss being happy without this underlying feeling of pain that just sits on my heart.