“It is with a heavy heart…”
A heavy heart.
What is a heavy heart? It is the term used when announcing bad news, when tragedy has struck, when something life altering has happened.
I never really understood it. I had the ability to empathize, but it wasn’t something I had experienced. It wasn’t something I could quite understand. Until today.
Today my heart feels heavy. Today my heart feels sad. Today my heart feels like there is a giant weight dragging it down.
It’s a strange feeling. It’s an unwelcome feeling. It’s the kind of feeling that can’t be pushed aside. Or quickly dealt with. It’s just sitting there. Holding me captive. Making me deal with it. It’s just there. This big “thing” just bringing me down.
And I’ve had such a good day. Breakfast in the kitchen with the kids, grocery shopping as a family. Granted, my patience isn’t the best today, but I didn’t sleep well last night, which always stretches things for me. I even took Jasper to his very first movie in the theatre. We saw Frozen. It was nice.
But when we got home and I put him down for a nap, the house silent with Jo and Amber out at a birthday party, my heart suddenly felt heavy. It wasn’t so much a wave, as it sometimes is, just this crushing feeling in my chest. I haven’t felt it until now. And I know it’s just another facet of grief, this many-faced monster, but the unexpectedness of it caught me off-guard.
Some days I wake up sad. Some days I can go the entire day without it impacting me in any noticeable ways. And some days it just hits me when I’m vulnerable and I have to ride it out.