28 April 2014 ~ 1 Comment

It’s been good, but it always returns

My last post was mid-March, and this week marks the end of April. I’d say that’s been a pretty good 6 weeks. Well, I’d say that, but in reality I’m not sure if that is so true.

It is true that I haven’t thought of Derek much, and when I have it’s been fleeting and guarded. But Something tells me I’m still grieving. Well, Jo tells me this, and spouses are wonderful for pointing out the things we are avoiding. :) I don’t feel like I’ve been avoiding it, but Jo says I’ve been absent and distracted, so it’s probably true. It’s easier to deal with it when I don’t think about it. And that’s been easy for the last little while.

Life has kept me busy. The final push to finish the semester, Easter, family being sick, visiting a friend who is fighting cancer, trying to figure things out with church, with school, with life. Life is all over the place, and when it is busy, I can keep the grief at bay. Good or bad, that’s how I’ve been coping. I think/know I should try some grief counselling, but I keep putting it off/making excuses. Staying busy. When I’m busy, I don’t have time to go, right?

Since Derek’s death, even before maybe, things have been up and down. Church has been rough, and I think that has just added further strain on this grief. Church is supposed to be home. It’s supposed to be a safe place, but it doesn’t feel like it is.

School has also been all over the place. A year ago I switched to a 4 year honours program. It would add a few more years onto my schedule, but allow me advanced placement into a graduate program, which is what I’d like to do in the future. And since my tuition is paid for, I figured I’d keep it up. But at the age the kids are and with the amount the (don’t) nap these days, taking two courses per semester while maintaining a GPA that I expect from myself isn’t possible. I don’t want to sacrifice the childhood of my children so that I can finish this degree. So last week I switched back to a normal BA and will graduate in Spring 2015 (next year!). I have 9 credit hours to finish, 6 of which are a practicum. So I should only have to take a single 1st or 2nd year level course this year and I’ll be all done.

That doesn’t mean I’ll head into some sort of ministry job, as was my original intent. I’m not there right now. Even in general, outside of Derek’s death and that grief. I’m not theologically there. And I’m mostly okay with that. It’s a far longer conversation than that, and if you’d like to sit down over beers, I’m happy to talk about it. I’ll stick around the IT field for a while, well, that’s the current thinking. Graduating will allow me to concentrate on being the best IT guy I can be and get some certifications under my belt.

I stayed home with a crazy sinus headache this morning, which led to the the thinking about Derek and acknowledging my suppressed grief.  My head feels like it is slowing down, and when it does that I start to miss Derek. Maybe this time I’ll do something about it before pushing it away and burying it under a mound of busyness again.

Husband, Father, Apprentice of Divinity, IT Professional, Bass Player, Hunter, Vegetable Gardener, Twisted Christian.

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  • Lauren

    i get the whole staying busy/suppressing feelings thing. I am actually relieved to be so busy with the move right now. “Feeling the feelings” is harder. Thinking of you…

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