(written 20/02/12, yesterday afternoon)
I’m really struggling with prayer. I can’t say the words. For me anyway, not for others. I can still pray for others. I can still pray for whatever it is that people need prayer for, but I can’t seem to pray for myself.
This morning as I was walking between campuses at work, I was fed up. I had been at work for less than an hour and already my patience was gone. Not for any particular reason, it just wasn’t there. So I tried to pray. I’ve tried a few times in the last 7 weeks, but the words just don’t come. Dear God… and I blank. I focus harder, Dear God, Please… give me… help me… But then it fails. Every time. So this morning I tried extra hard. It’s funny to look back at that moment and think about the willpower it took to try and continue. That I was going to try and force out a prayer.
But then it clicked. I could feel my emotions changing and I realized I was mad. Mad at God. Irrational mad. I know that being mad at God is a normal part of the grieving process, and I’ve been dealing with anger for the last few weeks, but this was different. It was directed. Directed at God. Rationally, I know I shouldn’t be but that’s just what I felt. I was/am pissed off at God. I don’t feel like he killed Derek, or took him unfairly or anything. At least not rationally. But it is somewhat comforting to realize that the reason for my inability to pray is due to anger. Anger at God.
So that’s where I’m at. I’m angry at God. I’m pissed off at him and it is interfering with my ability to pray. I’m still happy to pray for others, but would love the prayers for myself, if you could spare a moment or two. For peace. For understanding. For acceptance, not just of his death, but that life will never be the same and that a new normal will need to be found even if I don’t have any idea what that looks like, or that I’m even ready for that. Prayer is good. But right now I just can’t do it.